Live on Broadway

Marijuana enhances many things--colors, shapes, sensations--but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet! The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run.

Every so often, Donald Rumsfeld steps up and says, "I don't know where... I don't know when... but something awful is gonna happen... That's it."

Cut the foreplay, let's have ice fucking!

Is it me, or are cats drag queens?

Why did you pierce your tongue? And she says, "To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon!"

And you can't bomb the Afghanis back to the Stone Age because they'll think, "Upgrade! Fuck!"

And if you are in a jihad and you kill an infidel (which, I'm sorry to say, is all of us) and you yourself die, you will go up to the gates of heaven where you will be greeted by seventy-one dark-haired virgins. But the Koran scholars tell us that the actual translation is "71 Crystal-Clear Raisins"... slight difference of interpretation, really!

Osama Bin Ladin is a six-foot-tall Arab on dialysis... why is that so fucking hard to find?

This is Enron Field. We were gonna call it Fifth Amendment Field... we can't call it "We're Fucked" Field.

They didn't even bother drug-testing the snowboarders, they just go "Get the fuck out!"

For the Last Supper, would they not have gone out for Chinese? I think so.

Who would want to be Jerry, the brother of Christ? That's a tough gig... he ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going "Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ. Whoop-dee-doo." And people tell me Jesus wasn't Jewish... of course he was Jewish. 30 years old, single, living at home with his parents, come on. Working in his father's business, his mother thought he was God's gift, give it up!

Not like the tits in Vegas, where even God is going "I didn't make those!"

Instead of on the dollar bill, instead of "In God we trust", "In Gates we trust!" Mr. Gates, when did you realize you were creating a monopoly? "Monopoly's just a game, Senator... I'm trying to control the fucking world!"

Get out of here, you goofy little Canadian bastard, eh.

This whole winter was so bizarre! The temperatures were like "80, 20, 30, 50." The weathermen are going "I don't know what's fucking going on! Let's just wait and see." The spring flowers are like Anne Heche going, "I'm in, I'm out, I'm in, I'm out."

I know there's a cure for bioterrorism or whatever it is, and I know it lies within Keith Richards. He is the only man on the planet who can go "Anthrax? All RIGHT..." Keith is the only man who can make the Osbournes look fucking Amish.

God bless you Canadian people. You're so fucking nice, eh.

Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party.

[on the comment "I go to boxing to see the sport of boxing"] That's like saying, "I go to stock car races to see people take left turns all day." You go to boxing to see somebody get the FUCK beaten outta them!

The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, "Vhat's that noise?"

And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals!" And I'm going, "It's chemotherapy, you little toad sucker!" "Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic! Everyone, cut off your balls! You'll be quicker! Do it! Don't be afraid!"

I've had people walk up to me and yell, "Fur is murder!" Please! It's me! I look like a fucking chimp!

God gave man a penis and a brain. And only enough blood to run one at a time.

[as George W. Bush] "Many of our imports come from other countries." No shit!

It doesn't scare me that W. waved at Stevie Wonder; that's OK. What scares me is that W. almost died from a fucking pretzel!

People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud. I'm like, "Fucking duh!"

[on "the luge," a winter sport] What drunken, German gynecologist invented this sport? What guy went, "I want to dress like a sperm, shove an ice skate up my ass, and ride balls first down an ice chute. Ja, that would be fun!"?

The Looney... how can you take an economic crisis seriously?

In San Francisco? Not so hard-core security. At one end, a Hummer and two National Guardsmen, at the other end, a Hummer and two National Guardsmen. The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen are wearing jungle camouflage. For those of you who have never been to San Francisco, the bridge is bright orange. I just feel like going:
"Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. We're wooking for tewwowists. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh."

You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man who LOST to a dead man in Missouri.

You're saying the Oscars are also political. Oh fuck off!

Shh! There is a gay mafia! Shh! With a Fairy Godfather saying, "Does this pistol make my ass look big?"

I have a plan. It's an interesting plan. It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. Jews will get Hanukkah and Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter, and Muslims will get Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom! Now... obviously, the people in the lawyers section for HBO are going "Oh, fuck off! What are you doing, you asshole?!"

[as Martha Stewart] I like to consider it more like "severed companion." If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space," use the light well. You know. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds. Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory.

When you're playing golf on the course, alligators are going, "Asshole!"

Soon Bill Gates will have something called Total Information Technology, TIT! And when you're sucking on the TIT, I've got you by the motherboard!

And the definition of retarded in Texas is pretty wide!

Somebody is probably going, "I knew Gandhi, he was a prick."

Now we have shows like The Chamber, The Chair, Fear Factor. People in Texas are going, "We got those shows, we just don't film 'em!"

They're saying that some of the Olympic referees were being paid off. Oh shit!! Say it ain't so!!

Now we get to see Tonya Harding fight Paula Jones in an All-White-Trash Weekend. Yeah! It's not the end of civilization, but you can see it from there!

[on Mike Tyson] I'm saying, "You're lucky he just bit somebody! Mike just got out of prison; you're lucky he didn't FUCK him!"

[on the Irish] Not only will you kick my ass, but you'll sing about it afterwards. "Oh, the night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and shit in your hat!"

Thank you for the standing ovation! We've had the orgasm up front, let's have a cigarette, let's relax! We're here in New York--fuckin' New York!

[on 9/11] When this whole thing happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor," it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me?!"

If ya want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 'Cause ya couldn't fucking understand them before...

[on President George W. Bush] You look at Bush, and you realize, it's Bush 2.0, ok? He's a vaguer release, he came with certain bugs in the software, all right? He'll go, "This country will not be taken hostile--whoops, delete, delete--hostage. Okay." And then you look at him and you realize he does have a short attention span. He'll be going, "Our economy is go--oh, look at the kitty."

[on the Swiss] Ja! The nice Germans! Or, as they call themselves, "the other white race."

There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are like, "Uh, that's like football without pads, right?" For the rest of the world, it's football. For us, it's "a strange sport, played by damaged people."

[on airport and plane security] Now you can't even take a nail clipper on a plane. What, are they afraid you're gonna go, "All right! Hand over the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle! I have a nail file! I can be irritating!"

And then we drop BOMBS... food... FOOD... bombs... and here's the fun part: some of the bombs were little yellow bombs... and the food packages were little yellow packages. So now you're playing "Survivor: The Real Game."
And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter... and all you need is a honey-baked ham and you'll have a redneck Christmas.

Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein. So what they've done is PUBLICLY approve the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows?

[on terrorists] We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.

Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. People in Texas are going, "Shit, where's the fun in that?" Man, they were zapping people every other week. It would be like, "OK, go sit on Santa's lap..." BZZT!!

Gandhi didn't have his own line of products; he didn't have 'Gandhi Jeans.' Whether you're not eating or simply telling the English to get the fuck out, 'Gandhi Jeans.' Come in sizes one and below.

New Yorkers are back to normal again. For a while they were all like, "Are you OK?" but now it's back to the cab drivers going, "Have a nice day ASSHOLE... fuck you my friend, enjoy your day."

I can see it now: Osama Bin Ladin goes up to the pearly gates where George Washington comes out, starts beating him and is then joined by 70 other members of the Continental Congress. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my 71 virgins?" And George will reply "It's 71 Virginians, you asshole!"

[on soccer] Everyone plays it! Not like baseball, 'cause the French don't have a baseball team! If they did, they would only have left field and no one would be safe!

Obviously the people and the lawyers of HBO are going "FUCK!" But how fucked up do you have to be for Al Sharpton to go, "I'm outta here, man."

I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?